Noelle m.

A hand-picked collection of raw journal entries I wrote from April 15/2000 to April 15/2021.

God knows what’s best for me. I thank you God (2008)

Today, I’m really grateful for my parents. My fight with Mom opened my eyes. I have a generous Mom and Dad, and I feel that they make me who I am.

Together Forever with Pikachu (2009)

I like my 2000 to 2010 friends, and I miss my Pikachu. It got thrown in the ocean by my brother. It is really special because I got it for Christmas in 2007. Pikachu lost in 2009, nearing 2010. You’re my best friend forever and I learned lots of things with you. And I think it’s the right time to say goodbye.

YELLOW (2010)

Yellow looks like the sunlight and gold.

Yellow tastes like mangoes.

Yellow smells like sunflowers.

Yellow makes you feel hyper.

Yellow sounds like chicks chirping and autumn leaves blowing.

Yellow is the garden, the green house and the farm.

Yellow is playing in the sun.

Yellow is having fun in autumn leaves.

Yellow is the color of bananas.

Brothers (2010)

Crazy, annoying,

dancing in tutus.

Makes me feel irritated.

Siblings.

Empty (2010)

Oh, I miss you, my friends.

My life is empty without you.

I hope you can hear me

– From Noelle.

Bored (2012)

Art is my escape from school and boredom. I’ve been watching anime because of my friends and listening to One Direction, and it helps me forget about the drama around me.

Quiet (2014)

I keep observing people at school and speculating my own thoughts about existence…

What makes people act the way they do?

What makes them feel a certain way?

What are they hiding?

Why are they hiding?

Why is it that they feel the need to be loved and recognized by others?

Why are certain people alike while others are completely different and unpredictable?

Why do people fall in love?

Why do people become addicted to things?

Why is it difficult for others to change?

Why do people lie?

Why don’t I know what I don’t know?

Gentle Voice (2015)

Gentle voice.

Deep in every moment.

A love so majestic so pure so strong.

Eyes swollen, feet aching.

It was a path of thorns and rotten smell.

But the mist fades. A light peeks through the clouds.

The sun smiles beneath the tree.

A swaying body growing from its branches.

Its lips are sealed, but its heart overflowing.

The voice listened from within.

The breeze blows away temptation.

Familiar vision repeated once again in a cycle.

A dry throat and a frown lasts gracefully.

Her path is hidden but grass is beneath her.

Time will force her to face difficulties.

Her intentions will remain strong and clear.

The earth spins and worries fluctuate with it.

Her present memory is on the page.

And will forever be on the page.

Her mind is on earth, but the turmoil she sees

leads her far away.

Urbanism and the constant change will not sway her.

For her body is swayed by the wind.

Rather than not to lose, remain dreaming.

When the breeze is still, keep dreaming.

A gentle wind will breathe anew.

This moment will never leave me until I die.

Fears (2016)

Is a lifetime of loneliness what I fear the most?

It’s the time of my life when darkness reigns the land, though the lights are on and the people are united. This in-between moment makes me miss them. For loneliness is masked by an impure voice. The things of life are temporary and sad. Why focus on that when you can listen to the gentleness in your heart? It is always there and belongs to you alone. It’s beautiful and fills my eyes with melancholy.

Sentimental Retreat (2017)

Much debate has taken over my mind about what I write, what I will miss when I die, memories of those who do not love me back, of those whom I love and love me back, of my mother’s face in a coffin – lifeless laying in stainless snow satin. Tears can be bitter, but they are mostly sweet and timeless appreciation.

Prayers (2017)

The purpose of my life is not selfishly my own, but for the people who are hungry, who are poor, lonely, sad and living without purpose. Lord, the impact of my dreams and actions may please them and not myself, so at times when I feel unconfident and selfish, please lead my feet towards that of sacrifice and thus liberation. The youthful spirit is woken up again, waking from It, a voice from Heaven calls it closer to the supreme being, It.

Coincidence or not (2018)

How often do we underestimate the power of coincidence in its ability to sprout fortune or misfortune? The things in life that are out of our control summit to one point of internal reflection. Passion and passion in writing at its best is just learning from these mistakes, seizing the moment and making use of these coincidental events. Sometimes it can cause grief, depending on what you subjectively consider to be fortunate or unfortunate, and it raises the question of how much are we really in control. Do we act on our experiences? on our feelings? A mix of both? Or do we want to utilize language to our advantage: for creativity and exploration.

Dreams (2018)

Dreams are often imagined, lost and fragmented. They could be non-fictional or fictional, but dreams are just drawn out of the writer’s own thoughts and feelings, like a journal or a documentary piece, an unfortunate event, or a piece of work that changes someone’s life or changes their opinion. Yes, dreams can only be remembered when you write them down. Otherwise, it is lost immediately.

Dreams are also what people aspire to. They contain motivations, intellect and knowledge of past events that make the person who they are in the present, and this tends to be depicted in non-fiction literature.

Dreams and books… Books can inspire dreams and dreams can inspire books. It’s an ongoing relationship that we build, like building the foundation and walls of a skyscraper to heaven. In that sense, books and dreams can go hand-in-hand. So, a book is a dream that you hold in your hand.

Paper Crane (2019)

He was tired… we talked about placement, about my career, about religion, about emotions, about events, about love and respect. He complimented me… it was so nice to hear. He said, “Noelle, that what’s good about you. You see them in a balanced perspective and I totally respect that about you.”

Before this, he told me his concerns and so I told him, “it’s alright.”

He said, “it worked. I do feel better and a deep sense of relief.”

This touched my heart.

Ending Cycles (2019)

Today, healing began. I am choosing forgiveness because I know in my heart that it will never be – not even in the future with all its undecided endings and loops. It’s more of a conscious decision to let go of someone. I recognize that I did love very strongly, but those feelings should now cease. I focused on love and not fear, and in this case, I will change. And it’s not easy, but I choose to love and forgive.

Letter (2020)

You found your peace in Jesus, and there is a sentimental loss still in your heart. You avoid that by retreating into distraction, but distraction is not a cure. Carry your cross and trust in Jesus because He is good to you.

Forgiveness (2020)

Love? I realized overtime that, well, it’s mercy. How could you say you want the best for someone unless that destination is heaven? And why does God allow suffering? Because He loves and my Master’s work are always good. He permits evil for our good. I desire to be in God’s presence for as much as I can. I love my Master and I obey and forgive because of this.

Garden (2020)

I believe I will tend my garden and that is only right to do so. I’m preparing it now, and when I’m ready to, I’ll open up again. I still dream of being a mother, though I dream of being a nun – to start a family of my own would be a dream come true, but Jesus will guide me to where I rightfully belong. No doubt.

A Gift (2020)

I tripped once again. I walked Rada because I read a book… I felt ashamed and depressed, but when I sat down on my driveway, I analyzed these thoughts. I know suffering is a gift, but then, when that wasn’t enough, I realized with every gift, you say thank you. So with every suffering, feel immense gratitude. Hope that helps.

About that (2020)

I’ve learned a few things about this bizarre topic of emotion, and the most prevalent lesson seems to be a general mistrust towards the future… as well as throwing away these vices towards idealization that prevent me from seeing the truth.

Hourglass (2020)

SPRING HAS COME! I pray to my Lord Jesus that I may remove my old skin and become anew so I can serve God all my life!

Twenty + 1 (2021)

21 is twenty + one. I’m feeling a pull towards multiple directions, and I embrace the sensuality and internal conflict that persists in moments when I feel both calm and emotional turmoil. I pray for God’s will to be done.